“But I cannot understand them, it’s all jumbled up in my head and my stomach hurts too much and……”
“Trying to fix everything, sometimes, things need to be left broken, that is the way it is meant to be”
“But…”. (voice tails off)
“STOP!, Stop trying to control it and just live it, even love it, just stop trying to make it perfect, it will never be. That is the beauty of all this, it’s odd, awkward and strange and that’s what makes it unique- once in a lifetime you might say”
“Let me clarify, sunsets are by their nature, pardon the pun-Beautiful, but so are wrinkles, they tell the story of a life, that was laughed, lived and loved, they are what we consider imperfect.
“I have no strength for this anymore, it’s all too difficult.”
“’You are wasting your energy on the mundane and silly, they’re not the reason you are really here, they’re distractions. Relax enjoy the moments, find the beauty in the imperfect.
“Why am I so scared Soul, why is there so much Fear?”
“You are learning new things, new is scary. You cannot stay in this safe place forever, what’s the point in that?”
“Exactly, nothing, so why do you insist on staying put, hanging on to the past, not letting go?”
“I do not know; I really do not know”
“Yes, you do” (said mockingly like a child)
“BINGO, you feel safe now, because you control the narrative, the situations in your life, to a point anyway.
“Hmmm I guess”
“’You guess! If tomorrow you decide to change something, you still can and will feel safe. It is about your perception, everyone can lead the very life they want, how do we do this?”
“ We believe in it, make it happen.”
“Yes, now you got it girl! Now you got it. Take a break now, come back to me tomorrow, we can chat more then. For now, start by seeing the beauty in the imperfect, look at your wrinkles.”
‘Go to bed’, his low dark voice startled Anya and she jumped. The light in the kitchen had darkened one side of his face, in this moment he truly looked like a phantom. Anya shivered, trying not to reveal her fear.
‘I came in the back, not that it is any of your business’, his voice was raised and angry. Anya knew this tone and how to not rise to its challenge, she murmured ‘ok’, taking the warm milk off the stove. He watched her every movement, his eyes followed her long fingers as she wrapped them around the cup. ‘Bed’ he repeated in a whisper, Anya obeyed. She listened as he turned out the lights and locked the doors. Her stomach churning as she ascended the stairs.
Silently she placed the cup on the bedside table and slipped under the cool, refreshing covers. As she lay in the dark, her whole body was pumping with her heartbeat, she tried to control it, but it just seemed to get worse. She held her breath, a door slammed. Anya turned her head into her pillow, grabbing it and sobbing so hard she felt sick, but so quietly he could not hear. Her whole body was shaking. Nothing made sense anymore.
Hi, my name is Rö, a cute little nickname I acquired in a better moment of childhood. So it was Rö or Pigeon-hmm! Please do not get me wrong with pigeons, I like them, (check out Spies in Disguise), just preferred Rö and that my lovely people gives you a clue!
Ok, ok I’m a mum to two great but can absolutely drive you insane kids! A girl and a boy 😂 chalk and cheese to use a Cliché.
I am also a full time teacher, but bravely made the move this year into a new 5 year role in my school as a HSCL. Wait for it , it is a great title, a Home School, Community Liaison Coordinator! Say that fast, after a few whiskeys ! laughing 😆 now, Laughter is so awesome for the soul. And I know I don’t do enough of it.
So , why should you even read this blog?
Well here are a few more interesting facts about me. I am turning 40 in a week, no this is not a mid life crisis, this is a realisation that I should do this- help me and then others hopefully. I have suffered with Anxiety & Depression all my life but only diagnosed 4 years ago, when my baby boy was 6 months old. I always felt different and eccentric compared to others, I found it impossible to socially integrate meaningfully. I was a tomboy for years, my big brother was my best friend, we were inseparable. I found it hard to have friends who were girls, and I think I still do. I found the honesty of male friendship refreshing.
So I guess, writing has always been my escape, my quiet place , my ranting space and my solace. Here I hope to upload lots of crazy pieces for you to read and enjoy. Maybe like so many writers in my life you might be inspired, as they say ‘you can’t cross the Ocean, unless you have the courage to leave the shore’