Firstly bloggers and followers, apologies for my absence. I have not posted in a few days. I have been doing a little soul searching and some serious, intense work on myself. With my counsellor last week, I broke down a fairly serious dam which flooded me with a torrent of emotional trauma and memories I was very unprepared for. Perfect fodder for the writer but putting pen to paper did not happen. I wanted to write so much but the words just wouldn’t come together in any coherent manner, honestly I was struggling with the day to day so I took the time out. The anxiety was winning out unfortunately.
I felt like I was drowning a little and just decided to tread water until things in my ocean calmed a little. I was also working for my new role and doing some pretty tough training for that. So my mind was logical and fractured at the same time. And of course there is the Mammy and wife role which demands my energy also. I do not want this to be negative, I am lucky to be safe and healthy in this turbulent time. The ‘Invisible Demons’, I struggle with everyday just make things a little tougher. Sometimes I am not sure what has happened at the end of a day or where the day has gone. Time seems so fleeting, you try to trap moments and memories with your kids or something beautiful you notice, trying to slow down time’s engine. So the demons do not win.
I realise just writing this now is probably not making any sense, but the idea behind this blog for me was the transformative power of writing so annoyingly I am going to waffle on. I have always taught my students that waffles are only for breakfast, you should never use waffle in your writing. LOL 😂 I guess we are having waffles for supper this evening! A few pieces will follow this post, I hope they inspire you or open up something for you as they have done for me whilst writing.
“But I cannot understand them, it’s all jumbled up in my head and my stomach hurts too much and……”
“Trying to fix everything, sometimes, things need to be left broken, that is the way it is meant to be”
“But…”. (voice tails off)
“STOP!, Stop trying to control it and just live it, even love it, just stop trying to make it perfect, it will never be. That is the beauty of all this, it’s odd, awkward and strange and that’s what makes it unique- once in a lifetime you might say”
“Let me clarify, sunsets are by their nature, pardon the pun-Beautiful, but so are wrinkles, they tell the story of a life, that was laughed, lived and loved, they are what we consider imperfect.
“I have no strength for this anymore, it’s all too difficult.”
“’You are wasting your energy on the mundane and silly, they’re not the reason you are really here, they’re distractions. Relax enjoy the moments, find the beauty in the imperfect.
“Why am I so scared Soul, why is there so much Fear?”
“You are learning new things, new is scary. You cannot stay in this safe place forever, what’s the point in that?”
“Exactly, nothing, so why do you insist on staying put, hanging on to the past, not letting go?”
“I do not know; I really do not know”
“Yes, you do” (said mockingly like a child)
“BINGO, you feel safe now, because you control the narrative, the situations in your life, to a point anyway.
“Hmmm I guess”
“’You guess! If tomorrow you decide to change something, you still can and will feel safe. It is about your perception, everyone can lead the very life they want, how do we do this?”
“ We believe in it, make it happen.”
“Yes, now you got it girl! Now you got it. Take a break now, come back to me tomorrow, we can chat more then. For now, start by seeing the beauty in the imperfect, look at your wrinkles.”
Hi, my name is Rö, a cute little nickname I acquired in a better moment of childhood. So it was Rö or Pigeon-hmm! Please do not get me wrong with pigeons, I like them, (check out Spies in Disguise), just preferred Rö and that my lovely people gives you a clue!
Ok, ok I’m a mum to two great but can absolutely drive you insane kids! A girl and a boy 😂 chalk and cheese to use a Cliché.
I am also a full time teacher, but bravely made the move this year into a new 5 year role in my school as a HSCL. Wait for it , it is a great title, a Home School, Community Liaison Coordinator! Say that fast, after a few whiskeys ! laughing 😆 now, Laughter is so awesome for the soul. And I know I don’t do enough of it.
So , why should you even read this blog?
Well here are a few more interesting facts about me. I am turning 40 in a week, no this is not a mid life crisis, this is a realisation that I should do this- help me and then others hopefully. I have suffered with Anxiety & Depression all my life but only diagnosed 4 years ago, when my baby boy was 6 months old. I always felt different and eccentric compared to others, I found it impossible to socially integrate meaningfully. I was a tomboy for years, my big brother was my best friend, we were inseparable. I found it hard to have friends who were girls, and I think I still do. I found the honesty of male friendship refreshing.
So I guess, writing has always been my escape, my quiet place , my ranting space and my solace. Here I hope to upload lots of crazy pieces for you to read and enjoy. Maybe like so many writers in my life you might be inspired, as they say ‘you can’t cross the Ocean, unless you have the courage to leave the shore’