Smoky hotel room (in my 20’s)

Smoked till my lungs hurt,

Lying back on the double bed,

Making patterns on the ceiling,

Switching from one eye to the next.

Standing, sitting, pacing,

Holding the matching cream phone,

Who to call?

Call out!

Shout out! “get me outta here!”

Tried to shower,

Waters too cold,

Pierces my hot skin,

Jumping back, I catch a glimpse

Of my naked figure in the oval mirror.

Twisting and turning,

Different poses, different shapes

Same body.

Feeling so alone, naked even.

I grab a towel.

Walking into the small hall,

Listening to sounds,

In rooms around me.

Love and anger all at once!

No one there

Lots of noise.

Another cigarette,

Brandy from the mini bar- no ice.

Dizzy head, shaky hands, heartbroken.

Watching some chat show on TV

Watching my life on the small screen.

Big bed, small body,

Little sleep once again.

RA

Copyright © 2020 Gourmet for the Soul – All rights reserved

A conversation with Me

“Hi Soul, what do you need me to hear?”

“Yourself”

“Why?”

“You already have all the answers”

“But I cannot understand them, it’s all jumbled up in my head and my stomach hurts too much and……”

“STOP”

“Stop what?”

“Trying to fix everything, sometimes, things need to be left broken, that is the way it is meant to be”

“But…”. (voice tails off)

“STOP!, Stop trying to control it and just live it, even love it, just stop trying to make it perfect, it will never be. That is the beauty of all this, it’s odd, awkward and strange and that’s what makes it unique- once in a lifetime you might say”

“Yes, but…”

“Let me clarify, sunsets are by their nature, pardon the pun-Beautiful, but so are wrinkles, they tell the story of a life, that was laughed, lived and loved, they are what we consider imperfect.

“I have no strength for this anymore, it’s all too difficult.”

“’You are wasting your energy on the mundane and silly, they’re not the reason you are really here, they’re distractions. Relax enjoy the moments, find the beauty in the imperfect.

“Why am I so scared Soul, why is there so much Fear?”

“You are learning new things, new is scary. You cannot stay in this safe place forever, what’s the point in that?”

“Nothing”

“Exactly, nothing, so why do you insist on staying put, hanging on to the past, not letting go?”

“I do not know; I really do not know”

“Yes, you do” (said mockingly like a child)

“Really!”

“Yes, ssooooo????…”

“Hmmmm-safety”

“BINGO, you feel safe now, because you control the narrative, the situations in your life, to a point anyway.

“Hmmm I guess”

“’You guess! If tomorrow you decide to change something, you still can and will feel safe. It is about your perception, everyone can lead the very life they want, how do we do this?”

“ We believe in it, make it happen.”

“Yes, now you got it girl! Now you got it. Take a break now, come back to me tomorrow, we can chat more then. For now, start by seeing the beauty in the imperfect, look at your wrinkles.”

“Thank you Soul, chat tomorrow.”

Copyright © 2020 Gourmet for the Soul – All rights reserved